WTF Is Going On In China?

I have a MySpace page. It's part of my attempt to be cool and relevant -- like commenting on In The Pink Texas, only not as funny. Or relevant. I really have not paid much attention to MySpace -- the friends I know on there can communicate better with me by picking up the phone than by sending me an email through MySpace -- but I am still down with the whole social networking thing.

Recently, though, I have become aware of a serious problem that has, it seems to me, national security implications. It turns out there are a lot of young, 20-something American girls who may be being held against their will in ... China.

I deduce this from the fact that I constantly receive offers to become "friends" on MySpace from 20-something girls who give their location as "China." These are not Chinese women, mind you -- to all appearances, they are healthy American girls who, for some strange reason, are in China. And by "healthy American girls," I mean "strippers," for that is what they all look like.

Take, for example, Florence, who is pictured on the left. She's 26 years old and, as you can see, lovely. In her profile, Florence tells us that she's "new to the area and want[s] to know where to go and what's fun." She continues, "Its a little overwhelming at first but I love it," which is a wonderful attitude to have about being in a foreign land like China. Apparently, her sole creature comfort in China is a digital camera. She loves to take pictures and, even more, to have her picture taken. In fact, she's so homesick that she's posted some pictures on another site, where could see her in all her glory for the mere price of admission.

Or take Eunice. I assume that Eunice is one of the girls on the left, but I cannot tell which one because Eunice prefers to keep the mystery alive. Eunice, and presumably her friends, are in China, where they may be held against their will. Perhaps that is why Eunice does not wish to say which one she is, for fear of repercussions. Like Florence, though, Eunice has a camera and is eager to share many pictures of herself for a nominal monthly fee.

My question is this: Is the State Department on top of this? Are these people in China against their will? Is there a burgeoning strip club industry in China that is absorbing our surplus strippers? What are the tariffs on tarts?

And most important, why does everyone think that Tom Anderson and Chris DeWolfe, the inventors of MySpace, are the smartest guys since Ben Franklin and Tom Edison? Don't we all have at least eight reasons to hate MySpace?